25

Disclaimer: I don't want to come off as if my issues are worse than others. On some scale I guess you could measure the severity of people's issues... but the way I measure severity of a situation is by how that person receives it and reacts or responds to it. And only that person knows how great of an impact it has on them. We forget to be sensitive to a person's heart and judge them by our standards. The smallest thing to one person could be life impacting to another and you would never know it.

25 years... that's more than a quarter of my life... when I look back on my life so far i don't see monumental things, but some things that may not appear to be monumental are the things that mean more to me than anyone else would understand. Sometimes I feel like it's been a slow uptake... but that's only when I compare my life to some unspoken standard. It's funny when I recall the issues I dealt with years ago and how I thought at the time that they were so heavy that I couldn't handle them... but I dealt with them and as the years went by the heavier issues seemed to be. In fact, every year a new and more challenging problem occurs and it's always more challenging as time goes on.

2009 was by far my worst year yet... I'm still brushing off bits of dirt that's left over. Shit I went through as a teenager seemed so colossal at the time... I used to think so absolute and in extremes back then like "I'm leaving home and not looking back" or being so pissed off with the way things were and losing hope about the future. I would camp out in my room and watch introspective movies; whenever I was upset all I wanted was to do absolutely nothing but watch movies and have no agenda. That was my biggest dream growing up was just to have no criteria to meet and to just be able to do what I want with my time, no hassle no worries. However, I knew that wasn't reality and that to really appreciate life you have to work at it. But I will say that I have always had beef with the unspoken rules of society, like "they" tell you that you have to do things "this way." I've always watched certain movies and listened to particular music that goes with my current frustrations... it's always been a gift and a curse.

I look back and think that I would totally trade those issues with my more recent ones... but then I really examine the way things went and see that those struggles were necessary and that each one of them changed me whether it was for better or worse... I would say I've come out of them in a positive way... so far;). A lot of it is a matter of mental stability and strength... and how much of it i can muster in a state of despair, apathy, anger, bitterness, etc. Depending on the impact, sometimes it takes a couple of days or years to realize that this frustration will not be chronic and that I wont be overcome by it. Ultimately, I know that my decisions are my own, I may be swayed by other factors but ultimately it comes down to me to decide whether or not to believe what has been brought to my door. It's my choice that makes the smallest thing grow or wither... however, like I said I may be swayed by other factors... and sometimes those factors are quite inviting, welcoming and comforting. Comfort is a huge thing for me... the key is to discern whether or not the comfort is beneficial to me. Wrong choices can appear to be comfortable because they're easy... and it's so easy to take the easy road. Comfort is appealing because it's always something that we're sure of... I touched on this point in an earlier post about music; the point is when people are burdened and heavy laden the only thing they want is control of some sort, it's human nature. When we lose control of something we cling to something that we do have control of or something that is true and sound, and comfort is in those things.

I will say though... yes 2009 was my worst year yet but it was also one of the more richer years I've lived. I mean yeah there was heartache, pain and loss... but there was also joy. I found joy in a lot of things in 2009... I said goodbye to a loving grandmother and she left knowing I loved her but (I know this may sound sad as well) it wasn't until her funeral that I saw her in the most beautiful light... and that filled me with non-stopping tears, but not sad tears... they were more like overwhelming tears. I was so taken by her life and just her as a strong and wonderful woman. In 2009 I also experienced happiness through another... even though it didn't work out I will never forget how amazing I felt. Also in 2009 I moved back in with my family... and I actually forgot how much I loved them! I mean I've always and will always love them but ever since I've been back I've seen how much they mean to me and that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to keep them close to me. 2009 was a big year for relationships with friends and family and I can't forget that.

And one of the most important tools to have through all of this is perspective. I've been going to an art studio to work on my portfolio and my instructor is always telling me to stand up and look at the painting from across the room. I can get so lost in the detail of my art but in order to get the whole picture right it's so necessary to look at it from a far... and it's so amazing how much you notice and what needs to change. And I can't help but apply that to life; if I remain too concerned on detail things go out of shape but as soon as I take some deep breaths and look at things objectively I see things so much clearer.

So raise your glasses and here's to greater challenges and greater heights.

Cheers;)

ps - girls in my office are nut jobs