I don't belong down here

I was writing this a couple of months ago when I saw the trailer for a documentary/mockumemtary called "I'm Still Here."For those who don't know it was a big hoax, however, when I watched the trailer I was expecting to laugh at how ridiculous the whole thing was but instead it surprised me and touched on a deeper root. I just really liked what the guy says in the trailer so this is a fixed summary of what I took from it.

"This is you, drops of water... you're a mountain top water drop, but you slid down the mountain into the valley and amongst the streams and the rivers. You say to yourself "I'm a mountain top water drop... I don't belong down here." Then one day it gets hot and you start evaporating, you rise high up into the sky, higher than any mountain top. Then you understand that it was at you lowest that you were closest to God. So if it's change you're looking for, relish the journey."

I like the idea of being made from a higher source and ultimately being made for a higher purpose... 

I don't belong down here... I don't think I'll ever feel quite right until I reach my destination, but my destination is so high. It's difficult to see how I am ever going to make the climb... it's a big mountain to climb. Sometimes I can't take it living down here... I'm so miserable... I'm so starved. If all I knew was this place then I would be content, but I dream of a place where I'm supposed to be... and I can see it exists... what am I doing down here? what do I have to do to get up there where I belong?

I feel like I will never be satisfied until I reach a state of personal success, personal potential and ultimately a better understanding of happiness. There's a height I wish to reach... but more so a height that I'm supposed to reach. Some believe that everyone has a place where they will fit... if that's true then I don't belong down here. I don't mean height superficially but it's a place in my mind/soul where I will do my best, where I will be utilized to my capacity, where I will be happiest. Happiness is an idea, a state of mind, and when I reach my height I will have a better grasp of that idea. I need to feel utilized as a contributor to this world. It's as if right now the mechanic is looking for the right tool but can't find it... because I'm hiding?... or maybe I'm still in development?

20 years from now who will I be? I'd like to think in 20 years I'll have answered my questions I have now or at least a better understanding of who I am. I'd rather think about this without a limit of time and understand it as a matter of who I will be opposed to who I am now. I guess you could say this touches on purpose... will I be better than I am now? I hope so. I'd like to think I have an understanding of how I am known to the people who know me. The way I see it is good, but needs improving. And yes, you can say that for everyone but I think it's a matter of what you're willing to do about it. Any person is capable of improving, however, some are either stubborn, unaware, scared, etc or all of the above. And it's the choices I make that will generate the man I will be down the road. Will I be "a man of value" as Einstein said or will I be a man driven by selfish desires? We never know what we're capable of until we've done it. We can never account for the curve balls that life throws at us and depending on the intensity of the pitch we don't know if we will either react or respond to them. I think most of us would prefer to have the ability to slow down time and think about our decisions... they can happen so fast. We also don't know how or if we will fully recover from life's hard blows. Even if we choose to respond the right way to the hit, the trauma still occurs; the trauma still lingers. Will I be as resilient as I think I will be? How do I prepare myself? I think the answers are in my choices. And this is leading into another blog I'm planning to write so I'll save this topic of "Choices" for another post;)

PS- When I say I don't belong down here it's not statement of pride as in thinking I'm better than the people around me... it's more of a measure of myself. What am I doing down here at this low level of capacity when I have so much more to  achieve? It's more of a "get off your ass and start living" sort of thing.


And I understand that it's not a snap of the fingers and instantly I'm there. I realize that there's life to live and experience to learn from before I get there. I think the main thing to change, as I mentioned earlier, is how I choose to think about it.

more thoughts on the way.